It's two am and I'm still not sleeping. Sleep is a hard thing to do for me these days. It all started after my grandfather died. For a while, it was hard for me to fall asleep. After two weeks, it became easier. Then it changed, three nights ago. I remembered how I cried for almost an hour, it was uncontrolable. I don't wanna go into the details, but let's just say that someone that I love most hurt me. Torn my heart into millions little pieces, even if he didn't mean to. Or maybe he does, but he doesn't realized it.
The funny thing is, no matter how many times he had hurt me, I always go back to him. He doesn't have to do anything, I would just run right back into him without even thinking twice about it. He's someone I can never get over. He's the one guy that I love unconditionally and uncontrolably. I'm not sure if that make any sense at all, but it does to me. The feelings I have for him are real, even when someone says that it's not. It seems real to me, and I'm not ashamed to admit it. One thing I can't say though, was his name. Not because it's a secret, it's because I simply can't.
Sometimes I wonder what my life would be like if I hadn't known him. Would my life be any less painful? Would my life be any easier? Would I be the person that I am right now? The biggest question of all, would I be happier? Of course, that ship had already sailed. It's been almost two years now, and the feeling I felt when I first saw him was still there. I could still feel that feeling everytime I see his face. I don't know how or why he has so many affects on me. All I know is that it will probably never go away. Hell, I'm not even sure if I want it to go away. I love the feeling I get when I see him, it made me happy. I don't think anyone has ever had this affect on me before, even with someone more good looking than he is.
It's not just his appearance that made me hooked on him like a drug I can't give up. It was, and still is, his words. He doesn't say the sweetest things, or the happiest things. He says what he feels and most of the time he's not afraid to admit how fragile he really is, despite of the way he looks. Sometimes he hides that inside, but I could see it in his eyes. Or at least I think I see it. There are so many things about him that made me love him so much, but there's only one that made me feel like I shouldn't. Even if he doesn't mean to, he hurts me more than anyone ever did.
I guess that comes with love, the pain. Is that what love is supposed to be? Pain and suffering? The fact is, love doesn't always have to hurt, but for him? I am willing to take the pain, even if it kills me.